“Children, I said to her. For the first little while, they not exactly human, you don't find?”
Nalo Hopkinson

Monday, December 27, 2010

Tales From Under A Middle-Aged Colored Woman-What A Year.

Wow!  2010 is almost over and it has been a good year for me, but not an easy one. All year things kept breaking down and changing and my old ways of dealing with problems stopped working.  I have been learning and experimenting because my life is different from the way it was in the past.

My adult son lived 1,000 miles away and in July he came back home to live after four years of being on his own. Well, we all needed some adjustment time.  It took me three years to accept that my baby was gone.  I spent many a night crying "I want my baby back."  The fourth year that he was gone I began to appreciate not having a child in the house.  I really like not having to figure out what's going to be for dinner and being able to have adult conversations without editing myself.  Come on people!  Once you get the kids out of the house there is the chance for some adult relationships to grow and improve, you know what I mean?  It's good to have some privacy.

In reality, my child will be thirty before he knows it, but he is my son, whose kicks in my womb I will always remember.  He now has a beard that I look up into, yet he still needs me to be his mother.  So, we are supposed to have an adult relationship of some sort right?  I am still working this one out. 

Also, for about twenty-five years, I have had asthma.  For some reason this year it got worse.  I could barely breathe for about three weeks.  Did I go to the doctor?  No.  When I finally went to the doctor she told me if I did not get myself together, the asthma could kill me.  She reminded me of a prominent woman in our community who recently died of asthma.  Immediately, she put me on a large dose of steroids.  By the way, those steroids make you gain weight very quickly, but they did the trick.  The swelling and inflammation in my respiratory system subsided.

Then the doctor told me I needed to change my diet because I needed to try and lose weight and avoid foods that may be causing allergic reactions.  Get this: I had to eliminate salt, white flour, white sugar, white rice, white potatoes, processed foods, and most dairy.  I wondered what the hell was left?  Part of what is left are vegetables, fruits, lean meats, whole wheat and soy products, water, olive oil, stevia, and green tea.  Most of the food I eat has to be cooked from scratch.  This takes time and effort, however I do feel better.  I have more energy, my moods have improved, but I am not losing weight as quickly as I thought I would.  But I am still alive and very grateful for my health.

And I guess at this point many know about my blog being spammed into a connection with a porn site.  Let me say clearly I was totally freaked out.  I was anxiously running around  screaming "What am I going to do?  I don't want people to think I like porn!"  This upsetting incident is helping me to clarify my thoughts on sex and love.

In my opinion sex and porn are two diametrically opposed entities.  Pornography objectifies humans  by dividing intact beings into counterfeit parts that are used to physically stimulate and disconnect people from their humanity.  On the other hand, sex is an attempt to connect spiritually with your whole being to another person's whole being.  It is a way of saying you are important and special and I appreciate and love how we share ourselves with one another.  One way involves giving and kindness and the other embodies selfishness. 

I think it is easy to get caught up in a pornographic way of thinking because of the way American culture defines woman's value and worth.  Our worth is based mostly on sexuality instead of personality, intelligence, resourcefulness, strength and female charm which includes sexiness.  You know it seems to me that we do not view and appreciate one another for the complex and multi-faceted individuals that we are, and we hide ourselves from one another to avoid pain.

In 2011 I hope to use my intelligence, resourcefulness, strength, and womanly charms to bless myself, my family, and others.  Some of it is planned and the rest I will have to make up as I go along. 

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